1.45am
I look at myself in the mirror and see such a stupid retarded hideous face.
There goes my masks.

I think I such a failure.
Whenever things happen, problems faced whether in school, among friends, work, I'll turn to my gf.
That person is the most important person of my life, at that moment.
GF/partner, to me is the most important.
I can only open up to that person, that only one.
So whenever im asked, GF or friends,
my answer would definately be GF/partner.

Just remembered some lines from my favourite HK movie, wo de zui ai


why I threaten you to leave? cause I want you to say you want to stay.
why I restrict you from your friends? cause I'm afraid that you'll leave.
My favourite show! watch it and you'll understand.
maybe if you care, you should go buy it and watch it.
it's been out for some time so it's quite cheap.

I remembered watching with H and J in HK.
and i cried like a dog.
Missed the days in HK!
where the toliet lock is spoiled and we peeped at you bathe and you didn't know.
every single time i watched it huh.
This guy has been protecting this girl since very young.
just that this girl doesn't know.. and blahblah.
then dunno why he died, they didn't get together in the end.

Friends, they'll listen, but deep down they have other problems too.
People who really know me knows that I'm a person with a shell.
On the outside, I appear wild, flirty, player whatever.
But inside I'm just a normal regular girl.

Straight friends, close ones, prolly 10?
But they are always busybusybusy. School School School.
And they live sososo far away from my house.

Crook friends, many, but they were never friends.
I never had a chance to be friends with any girls.
Either we got together, we had something on or she likes me.

Like what I've said, when they want you, they'll give you everything.
When they don't, they'll dump you.
So many came and go.
For the past 4 years, countless of girls passed by.
M,A,A,A,M,J,J,Y,R,A,H,J,C,X,S,P and i don't know how many more.
All came and gone.
Those who are around me now are all lesbians, butches.
Even if they are not good friends, they are still the people I hang out with,
without them, I truely alone already.

Those who have loads of friends, good for you(=
At least when you have problems, you don't have to keep it inside you right?
I may appear unbothered and defensive on the outside, but inside, I'm different.
I just want to protect myself from being hurt again.
There's this invisible wall that I've built up over the years.
From what I've gotten. I just couldn't tear it down.
I just feel that I've no one to talk to.
You know you have gained my trust if I start talking to you about my problems.

So now, I think I should just keep it inside. Hide them deeper and deeper inside.
Marygrace caught me crying inside the store several times.
She complement me that I hid it well!(=
Cry already come out work again.
I shouldn't break down in front of anyone any more. Just store it inside deeper and deeper till it's mounted inside my heart.

During that 21 months when I'm with you,
it's just only me and you. Nobody else.
It was the sweetest thing I've ever felt.
There wasn't any time needed to be divided between friends and me.
Everything was mine.

And another you told me this.
you may think that it's dumb to choose gf over friends.
but think about it, would your friends do the same?
if they say yes, then make sure they won't get married and have their own family.

brotherhood appears very important huh.
but when they're attached, how much time did they give to you?
who was the one who took the initiative to meet up?
when you're sick will your friend take care of you?
the times that they have time to meet you, were they single or attached?
I never believe that friends and gf were equal.
Sacrifices have to made.

Im not some sick emo girl who want to slit her wrist or whatever lurhhh..
just that sometimes it's so unfair,
you'll take away the lives of people who don't love themself,
so tonight i'll try to hate myself so you'll take me away to stop my torment okayy.
Though i know it's hard to stop loving myself, but i'll try.
Mama, Papa, take care okies(=
i love YOU.